Path of Action

This morning I meditated. I cleaned the area in the new apartment where I wanted to sit a Buddha statue, a statue of Guanyin the Chinese bodhisattva of compassion, and a two photos of His Holiness the Dalai Lama and Lama Zopa Rinpoche. I managed to do set my motivation, formal prayers, mantra, short mindfulness meditation, two short analytical meditations on emptiness and bodhicitta, and finished with dedication.

The session only lasted for less than an hour and a half. It was hard going and difficult to concentrate, the words that were so familiar to me on retreat I stumbled through and had to piece back together again. It was tough and again, I felt like a phony. I tried to get some feeling back for how it should be – setting the right motivation, going for refuge to the 3 jewels, trying to generate the mind of bodhicitta.

While I was on retreat my mind was so sensitive, so open. I’ve been back in the city for perhaps 2 months. Now my mind is wrapped up again in mental defence of the self, focusing on protecting ‘this self’ among a sprawling mass of ‘other people’. Old tried and tested habits have quietly re-established themselves in my mind, like weeds growing rampant in a garden. It will take some time to peal back just a few layers of the weeds that have grown in just 2 months.

Today I made the first step forward, and I’m glad about that much at least.